|
|
|
November 8th, 2009
02:59 pm
I'm so stupid.
I complain about being ft and gaining weight, but then I go down stirs and stuff myself with bread and jam and fries and salad.
I wsh I could purge. I wish I wish I wish.
|
October 27th, 2009
11:32 am
‘There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.’
- Leonard Cohen
Thats just so beautiful.
xxxxx
|
October 25th, 2009
04:54 pm - I'm such a dick
I can't stop thinking about it, I just want to cry.
I fucking kissed him, he's so, just ew!
And I hate it. Hate it. Hate it.
I feel like crap.
Normally, something like that would make me feel happy, confident, but I just feel like crap. Alot.
Ive eaten loads too, which just makes me want to cry.
Everything is kind of poo.
I don't want to go to school, ever again.
xxxx
|
October 16th, 2009
10:52 pm
I don't really understand myself.
I know no guy will ever like, I'm boring, fat, useless and worthless.
I may have sat next to him for an hour, and laughed at the same thing, but we hardly spoke, and it was awkward too.
I want to be his friend, he's so lovely.
I'm just crap.
Work tomorrow-Oh fun!
And my friends in the evning, that'll be fun too.
I know I'll stand at the edge, sip wine, pretend to smile, maybe I'll laugh a little, cover my face.
ARGH.
I just ahte hate hate hate.
I'm too much of a fucking coward to kill myself. And I don't want too, either.
But isn't it just easier?!
|
September 29th, 2009
11:23 pm
Beauty is so simple. Like, it's not a question whether or not someone is beautiful. They just are.
Do you know who is so beautful? Audrey Tautou.
Just so incredibly perfect.
I want to be like her, no, I want to be her.
I'm fat.
Everything I do is wrong. All my friends think so. They just knock down eveything I say. Words sit in the spaces between us, but theyre all wrong. Every single syllable is a mistake and every sound a sin.
All my opinions are laughable, and I understand, I do. I get that I'm stupid and worthless. I just don't want to be.
But I don't knoe what else to be.
I am that girl who is a target, a red bulls eye to fire arrows at. And they burn and leave scars and hurt. Hurt. Even in places where no-one hit, the bruises spread like wild fire through my body and into my eyes and gut and seap under my fingernails.
I just want a being.
I want to run away.
I want to sleep on the streets. Everyone is accpeted there.
I just want to live in London, wrapped up in a sleeping bag world, cover myself with card board boxes. Sheilds from the world and it's safer there.
The arrows don't hurt when I'm not here.
Even if it's just dreams, the bruises still fade away if I keep my fingers prized onto hope.
|
August 24th, 2009
02:44 pm
I wasn't even hugry.
Bowl of cereal
Whole milk
Raisins
Cashew nuts
Handful of cereal.
I don'teven want to go to my 'best friends' party tomorrow. I am totally dreading it. I'm on my period which sucks, I'm going to have to wear a pirate outfit, no one will talk to me, my 'friends' will probabaly endup having a go at me for being boring this holiday. God, I don't want to go at all.
I cant even imagine myself there. Like, I don't know why, but I bet you a million pounds I don't end up going for some reason, like we fall out, or something.
I don't know.
I don't want to go, but I have to.
I'm so hot right now and I feel so ill.
And full.
|
August 17th, 2009
07:53 pm - Letter
Dear God/Angels/Whatever is up there, if anything/Me/You/Anyone
Please let me be happy.
Stop making me feel like this.
I want there to be an end to whatever this is.
If there is anything.
I'm so confused all the time. I want to cut.
Cut.
Thin.
Happy.
I just want to be me 2 years ago in the park on a make up swing, black and white photographs, luaghing and making a tiny fire and joking and wearing shorts and eating lollipops and being accepting and happy and beng on that swing flying flying flying.
I don't even remeber when I fell off.
But now it's like forver falling off the edge of the earth of whatever it is that holds me down.
I think if there was no gravity life would be better, I could just fly and swing and be with the clouds and break them all into tiny peices and be so light to be able to fly with the angels whilst everyone else would be to bogged down and trapped.
I would be free and flying and love.
I feel better when I think like this.
Of the flying and soaring and jumping higher and higher high. I want to be like that.
Love
Forever
Me
|
July 28th, 2009
03:43 pm - fat
FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FA FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT.
I AM SO FAT AND GROSS AND DISGUSTING AND REPULSIVE AND UNDESERVING.
I was 139.
Now I'm probabaly 592.
I HATE myself an my huge gross fat stomach and thighs and arms and hips and bum and fingers and sausgae hands and legs with no joints and FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT.
I'm going to eat over 1000 calories today.
Why do I do this to myself?
Why am I so disgusting.
I HATE me.
|
July 27th, 2009
02:16 pm - NYC...
Was AMAZING.
141 when I got home.
I got my dates a little messed up (see previous post) so I should be fasting now, but I really fucked up this morning, so I think tomorrow is the way to go :)
Its' going to be so tricky to skip dinner though, But if I have to eat, I'll just make sure I burn it off at the gym, thats my plan :)
So I'll hve to know EXACTLY how many calories there are in everything I eat.
I need to get down to the 130's again.
Go to spain in 10 days, I'm not going to ear a bikini, especially in front of my parents, my mum already thinks I'm fat enough, and compared to my beanpole of a brother...god I hate my life.
***
My friend just knocked on the door, nice of her to invite me out really.
She could have phoned this morning, I don't know. I don't really care.
She has these amazing tan lines, she showed me her brown stomch.
It was flat and amazing and perfect and I hate her.
Well, I hate that shes skinny and can get guys.
xxx
|
July 19th, 2009
01:27 pm - 24 hours!
Just had a cup of coffee for breakfast, so am currently on 139, I guess thats okay seeing as though I ate like all my dinner yesterday including CAKE.
I don't think I'll make 137 by tomorrow though, lol. 'm really quite bummed out about that.
A load of girls are doing a fast, and I really really want to join in, but Ive decided to fast when I get back.
I get back on the 25th, so I'll probabaly fast from the 30th of July (a monday) for 3 days, so to the 1st of August. And workout eeryday, I might get my period though and if I do I might not fast, and wait until my period ends and fast then.
It's going to be hard to skip dinner, but I pretend I'm going out with my friends for dinner and come back at like 8 or something and just walk around for a few hours which will be good excersise.
I really hope I can do it, I'' be so proud if I do :)
I hope I can get out of lunch today, I meanm I think my mum knew I just had coffee for breakfast and she didn't really acre so I can't say I just ate breakfast...I don't know, I'll think of something.
Maybe that I'm doing my room?
I don't know :S
I could make something, take it upstairs and trow it away..:)
So far I'm on like 2 for coffe+48 for sugar(Eek!)+42 for 100ml of skimmed milk=92!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG, did NOT realised my coffee had that many calories!
OKay I think I'll have latte's instead of americanos now.
Frick! Thats loaddddds.
MUST stay below 500!!!
I think thats my plan for most days, below 500, although it so rarley happens :P
I need to start keep track better, otherwise it kind of spirals you know?
NY in 24 hours!
I'm excited but I will miss here so much :(
All the support and I want to see how the girls do on their fast, and I'll mis talking to Z and seeing how she;s doing too.
But when I get bck, EXCERISE. FAST. LOSE.
xxx
|
July 18th, 2009
07:50 pm
I was 138 this morning.
142.
I odn't know why my body doesn't understnad what I want it to be.
Why can't it just do what I want?
x
|
02:14 pm - Breakfast
So I ate breakfast today.
I find it so much easier to just havea coffee, like yesterday, I don't know why.
I got up and weighed 138!!!!
But then breakfast went and ruined it.
My mum knocked on my door and told me her and dad were going out for a bit, so I watched the car drive away and ran to my bathroom and tried to throw up. I dont know why I can't.
I have my own bathroom, yet I can't throw up. Whats wrong with me?
I need to be 137!
By the time I leave on Monday morning, I need to be 137, that way I will be motivted in NY to not eat alot, knowing that I can lose weight and will lose weight, and are 4 lbs away from my lw, a YEAR ago.
If I can get down to 133, I will be so effing happy, then I can lose moe weight.
I was 133 a year ago!
How crazy is that?
Actually no, a year and a half ago.
If I can lose 5 lbs in like a week, thats a year and a hlafs worht of eating GONE.
I CAN do it and WILL do it.
GW1 by Monday 20th July (when I go to NY)=137lbs
GW2 by August 4th =133 lbs
GW3 by August 8th (when I go to Spain)= 131 lbs
I think I can do that, right?
YES I CAN.
xxx
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/angry.gif) annoyed
|
July 17th, 2009
08:59 pm - Falafels..
Don't I feel like shit.
I mean I was BELOW THE 140'S TODAY!!!
But then wehad dinner...it's the hardest part of my day, part of me just wants to go out with my freinds in the eenings to skip dinner, but I know I'll just drink, which is even hgher calories than the meal itself. It's so stupid.
Pasta, with tomatoe sauce and THREE falafles. Then salad with lots of OIL on. Then rasperiies.
I weighed myself and I'm 141.
I want to die.
Literally, crawl into a whole and die. I doubt I could find a whole big enough though.
Tomorrow'll be worse becuase my parents will be in all day and make me eat lunch, I'm hoping, PRAYING, I can sleep through it.
I wish I could purge.
I've been trying for A YEAR and I can't do it.
Ive tried my fingers and a toothbrush, both ends, multiple times. But my body IS SO FUCKED UP that it won't let me.
I might by some laxatives, but I heard somewhere they don't actually get rid of the calories and stuff?
I need to EXCERISE.
When I get back from NY, I'm going to the gym EVERYDAY for an hour. I need more dedication whwn it comes to excerisisng.
I need walk around for an hour in town today, with 3 heavy books, so I spose it's better than nothing.
GW1- 137 lbs
BEcuase thats where I was a matter of WEEKS ago.
I'd LOVE to be there by Monday, well, today I'm averaging 140, so I guess 3 pounds in 3 days...Hhm.
I'm going to try my hardest.
love
xxx
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/sad.gif) crappy
|
July 16th, 2009
03:54 pm - Is this normal?
I had a little binge this morning, but I didn't gain, but I know I could have lost if I didn't. :(
I reakon 400 cals at most today though, by the end of the day, mayeb even stretching to 500, which is really disspointing.
I'm feeling kind of bummed out t hough, not really sure why.
Wow...
xx
|
July 15th, 2009
07:33 pm - What?!?!?!?
Today has been okayish.
Had a little binge this morning, but didn't gain, so it's okay, but I just ate my dinner-carbonara.
I reakon 600-700 cls, whch makes me want to cry.
I just tried to pop onto the Ana Boot Camp, but it says it's been 'suspended'..WHAT THE HELL???
I feel so bored all the time, like I get up, watch TV, try to tidy my room, while wtching TV, then eat dinner, then go on the computer, then watch TV, then o to bed.
Everyday the same.
It's so monotomous and dull.
I need to find something to do, to fill my time, to give me interests and stuff.
xx
|
July 14th, 2009
11:17 pm - Feeling pretty rubbish...
My friend just called, but I rejected it.
I really, really can't be bothered with her. She'll pobabaly just be drunk and be all shouty and "YOUR SO BORING YOU NEER COME OUT" at me.
142lbs after dinner.
Gym tomorow, although I know I probabaly won't end up going.
I don't know.
xxx
|
04:46 pm
Hello,
I had a blog a few months ago, all about my life, friends, family, personal isues, only really to get things off my chest, but my friends went and found it :(
It all blew up, way out of proportion and it was NOT fun. Nothings chnages either, they still don't care about me, and treat me like dirt. I've alwys been looking at the ABC pge on this site, so thought I would join it as a way of strting a blog again, and of course, finally being accepted somewhere without judgement.
So yea, I'll probabaly wrtie everyday :)
Today I ate alot alot alot.
Am a HUGE 140 lbs. My UGW is 100. Hhm, quite hard, but I WILL.
I was 137 a few weeks agao, and a I gained LOADS, like I was up to 143, I lost 3 lbs over the past few days :) so I can hopefully lose more, to get back to where I ws, and then go on to LOSE LOSE LOSE. lol
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/blah.gif) blah
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
ellie_wellie123's journal